| It is so much easier to be depressed than do something about it.
I am pretty sure this is the case for myself and I again, find comfort in it.
Funny how I find comfort in my own words than myself. But oh well, there are prices to pay when you try to save a world that doesn't give a damn.
I want to read. A good book and be outdoors and have cool weather.
I want nice cool cold weather.
College will be nice and finally for the first time in my little life of seventeen years will I live somewhere other then here.
Then my little security and haven of "the bubble".
It will be left behind and I will live in a city with crime and attitude. and There will be a happiness to just be outside. Outside of a suburb and into some life.
What is city life?
I mean, am I really supposed to know what that means?
For goodness sakes my city has what 70 thousand compared to 2 million?
crazy.
And want to know something amusing?
The majority of people here are within the 45-54 bracket and next, 10-14 year olds.
The majority of the population is a bunch of baby pre-teens and their parents.
Oh life. Life indeed.
I am off to Study Spanish and finally be done with the language that has haunted me for years. And tomorrow it will be over educationally wise until maybe college.
But I don't care.
Why?
Because Pre-Calculus as I know it, is over.
forever.
done. done. May God Bless thee, send Him my best regards. |
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| I am just ready to go. To let go and move forward. Yet, there lies a desire in a sense to bury myself in empty things and masks. To get drunk for no apparent reason or drive away with Matthew.Misery does love company. This is true whether I agreed with it or not when it was first brought up. We are going to get ourselves killed. I am aware of this. It is beyond dumb to drive through forrests at eleven thirty with lack of lighting anywhere.
I am just pressured at this moment. There is a heaviness on chest, making it literally difficult to breathe.
I tried to save a baby. That is all what I did and I was going to fight for this baby. always.
I am so dramatic at this moment. I somehow have to reverse this learned behavior of procrastination and cope.
Worksheets really do me no good, I have decided on this.
And I also am getting tired of sitting on a couch for an hour a week.
dumb. What do I really want to do for a living?
and why does "living" automatically mean money.
How about I just do something that keeps me alive for now.
okay. I am pretty sure this includes clip-on ties and making photograms.
Despite people being jerks. That's okay though.
I guess Shannon was right about kicking some people out. Unfortunately, not everyone is worth my time. Which is harsh but it is something I need to learn.
break! |
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I love this picture more than I can really express. My heart is really torn today and just in general lately. Recently I can just feel my heart cry for Jesus. I want to go to adoration tonight. I need to do my work and sleep as well. oh these days. one day it'll be great. I am pretty sure it already is. |
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| And as I walked out, cathartic release, empty on tears and gushed of pain, I stood next to the road, cars whirling by. I could stand in front of one, throw myself in front. get it over. I had a yellow picked flower from the ground. an empty plastic cup. I stepped into the road and crossed both. I went to the chapel and prayed. I held the little flower in my hands and twirled it. I kissed it. I held it and kissed it. Slumped fallen over, "I'm here. I'm here."
rescue is coming. and I need to go.
I love you all. I really do. So very much do. |
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